I’ve been away for a few weeks. While I’ve been away there have been some very high highs and a very low low.
The highs have been the celebration of Champion’s 3rd birthday and the purchase of a wheelchair van that has provided our family freedom we had yet to experience in the three years of Champion being a part of our family. I plan on blogging more about the van and what it has done for our family because it has completely changed our lives.
The low came in the form of the loss of a dear friend of my husband’s, who I assumed would be a part of our lives for a long time to come. However her time on this earth came to a close and the sadness and grief associated with this loss still comes in waves as we realize how precious life really is and how important it is to value everyday and every person in our lives.
These past few weeks have been reflective for me. One of the things that I have reflected on is the use of my time and the use of my heart and mind in terms of what I focus on. I realized that for me blogging is something that I want to use time on. I feel it is a useful and helpful way to share our story and hopefully touch the hearts of others.
But I realized that in order for it to be something where I am focusing on it with my heart and mind the way I want to, I need to write about my faith openly and without fear. I need to share how much I believe in Jesus and how this belief shapes me and provides the peace and comfort I crave on this journey with Champion.
I have held back from openly writing about my faith here and the reason is fear. I have been afraid to say that I believe in Jesus and His power to heal because I am afraid of this one question: “Why, if God is such a good God, are there children born with special needs and why do kids get terminal illnesses and why do some children suffer so much?”
I don’t know how to answer that question. I have no idea why Champion was born with Miller Dieker Syndrome. I have no idea why other children have been born with the complications they experience.
To be honest I have asked this question over and over on this journey. This question and not knowing the answer has led me to have a season where I wanted nothing to do with God.
That season didn’t last though.
I realized that nothing else gives me comfort the way prayer does. Nothing else eases my anxiety like reading about God’s faithfulness in the Bible. Nothing else brings me peace like when I pour out my heart to God in my prayer journal, when I ask tough questions, reveal hidden fears, and rage honestly to God about the suffering my son and other children are experiencing. Nothing but God gives me what I need to keep going on this journey.
My son being born with this syndrome goes against everything I thought I knew about who God is, yet nothing else brings me comfort but believing in Him, His promises, and that He hears my cries and prayers.
So I realized that in order for me to blog effectively the way I want to, and to spend my time the way I want to on this computer, and to focus my heart and mind the way I want to, I have to get past the fear of putting it out there that I believe in Jesus.
I’m putting it out there. I believe in Jesus and my writing here will reflect that.
It has to, otherwise I can’t fully, honestly write about my journey as Champion’s mom. And writing fully and honestly about my journey as Champion’s mom is what I want to do on this blog.
I look forward to sharing our journey, including my faith, with you as I navigate this incredibly heartbreaking yet beautiful life as mom to a miracle in the making.
