Overwhelmed, Busy, and Living In Two Education Worlds

These last couple of weeks and the one we’re in now have been pretty busy.  Filled with both fun things and some mandatory things.

Lots of appointments, open house, a field trip, a performance, school Easter party, one child’s teacher appreciation week, my son’s IEP (which went very well), birthday parties, jog-a-thon and one of our favorite events each year,  a special needs Easter egg hunt a local church puts on.

When things get busy I tend to shut down and come unglued in almost every area.

It doesn’t matter if it’s something super fun or something we have to do, I feel overwhelmed prepping for things that are out of the norm.

Making sure scheduled things work around my son’s g tube feeds,  making sure I get presents bought and wrapped prior to the party or event starting, making sure we arrive at appointments on time or at least within the allotted grace period, making sure everyone is fed and has all the necessities we need for wherever we’re going; all of it overwhelms me.

When we have these busy seasons the on the go exhausts me, but also the anxious thoughts exhaust me about how its all going to go and get done and the fear that I won’t get a chance to rest and I’ll be to exhausted to get us everywhere we need to be.

Thoughts that I’ll be to busy trying to get places on time I won’t have time to shower.  That I’ll be to exhausted to use time wisely with Drs and professionals who work with my son and I won’t ask all the questions that need to be answered.  That all the regular chores and to dos will fall to the wayside and it will take what feels like forever to get caught back up.

I just get so overwhelmed during these busy seasons.  I just really really like the non hectic times.  The weeks where the schedule is as is, nothing extra, nothing removed, just as is.

This time around I ended up giving myself permission to cut some things out and to reschedule appointments as I could.

Things got cut that were really good things, things that for the moment and for awhile after left me plagued with guilt for not going, but also relieved for the freed up space to breathe a little.

And then there were the things that I just plain forgot about that had me shrinking in shame and embarrassment.

Showing up to my daughter’s school without flowers the day we were to bring flowers for teacher appreciation week left me hanging my head (and running to the store to buy gift cards instead.).

I know we were supposed to bring flowers but by the shear number of flowers they got I thought a gift card might be ok.  And not something they’d need to take care of and water and eventually throw away etc.

And there points to my overwhelmness again, instead of seeing flowers as a beautiful gift, I cringe at the thought of them being an added task and something else to take care of and eventually clean up after.

This year marks the first year that I have a general education student.

And we’re just in our first seven months of general education preschool and I am amazed at the amazing, creative things Moms do for the school parties and the teachers.

And to absolutely no fault of these amazing moms, as I admire what they’ve created and coordinated and organized, as I stand amongst them with nothing tangible to show for my time, I want to scream but I feed my son 6 hours a day, I walk with him in his walker for hours each day,  I spend hours every month on the phone coordinating things for him,  among countless other tasks I’m responsible for and in the midst of all of it I pray and beg God to let my daughter knows she is loved too.

I want to scream it to be affirmed by these other moms and to remind myself that while I may have nothing to show for it as I stand in that preschool drop off line,  I am still a worthy mom.

But I’m in a bind because on the other end, in the other world I live in, I hear the screams of I’m feeding my son wrong,  I’m not doing enough to help him reach his potential,  I’m going to harm him by letting him walk without his AFO’s even though with them on he can’t even walk and without them on he can not only walk but he can run.

I hear the screams of what I need to do more of for one child and then I’m confronted with all I’m not doing for the other.

It’s exhausting, it’s overwhelming, and it’s something I need to work through.

As I seek to settle my thoughts, dry the tears, and get still,  I hear the gentle and grounding voice of my husband, reminding me that while it is easy for me to look at other women and see all they are doing and all that I am not,  that there are many things I am doing that those other women are not.

That it goes both ways.

And that it says nothing about those women’s worth or mine,  it just is how it is.

And that he sees what I’m doing, he sees the struggle and that even when my mind or outside voices are telling me I’m not doing enough for either child,  that from his intimate vantage point,  the closest vantage point there is,  I am doing enough.

That yes of course there’s always room for improvement,  but what I’m doing is what our particular family and what our particular children,  the ones that  God specifically gifted us, need.

And so while it still stings,  how I struggle to handle these times of busyness, overwhelm, and being one of the only moms in the drop off line without something in my hand besides my daughter’s hand,  I just have to take a deep breath, celebrate the amazingness of these other mom’s while not letting it detract from my own worth.

Improve where I can,  be okay with what I do, okay with what I can’t do, and as my counselor taught me, to really truly have compassion on myself.  I would heap grace upon grace on another mom with circumstances that mirror my own and over time my prayer is that I learn to give that gift to myself as well.

Forgetting a flower, while embarrassing, isn’t the end of the world.

Not making it to all the events, while disappointing, isn’t the end of the world.

Showing up late despite my best effort, while frustrating, isn’t the end of the world.

Listening to the truth in my husband’s words,  learning to be realistic and ok with the things that I do and what I can’t do,  and making what matters be about what is most impactful and an investment in my kids,  that’s what’s going to make me be able to survive and thrive in these dual worlds.

And even though my surviving and thriving may look different than other Moms in this new general education world,  I can flourish in both the worlds I reside in and celebrate others without feeling bad about myself in the process.

And speaking of process,  I know this is going to be a continual process to work through as I’m confronted with various situations.  I know that there will be times when I will hit it out of the park in taking these things in stride, and I know there will also be times when I’m caught off guard and the perception of myself as a failure will rule my heart before I can muster up the truth that I am not.

But as time goes on and I grow more confident in who I am as a mom,  I pray and believe it will all become more and more enjoyable,  day by day,  school party by school party, and flower day by flower day.

And also by taking a very much needed nap, I think that will help it be okay too.